Letting go

"Yaar, matlab main kar sakti hu but mere se ab ho nahi payega"

This was the first thing I heard as soon as Shreya opened the door. She was in the middle of a conversation with someone and almost immediately my eyes went to the phone in her hand. She was on a call with someone and she had put it on speaker. As soon as the sentence was said, there was a pause. It was like everyone in the picture was mulling over the sentence. I was trying to guess who was on the other side of the call and what were they giving up. Shreya's eyes had teared up and a small smile was forming on her face. I wasn't expecting this reaction. I was immediately intrigued. Considering the silence on the other side of the call, there were some afterthoughts there too.

As the pause stretched, I started feeling like I was interrupting something personal and important. Shreya must have thought the same because she quickly removed the speaker mode, opened the door, motioned me to take a seat. 2 minutes, she gestured with her hand, and took her call inside.

By the time her call was done, my curiosity had piqued and I had mentally calculated the depth of my friendship with Shreya to decide how inappropriate it would be to ask her what was the person on the call saying when I arrived and why Shreya was so happy to hear that. So naturally, as soon as she re-entered the living room, against my better judgment and manners, I ended up asking her about the conversation that I had accidentally eavesdropped on. 

Thankfully, she did not seem to take offense and immediately answered the question. So the person at the other end of the call was Neha, her childhood friend. As per Shreya, Neha was one of those people who stresses a lot over finishing all the tasks on time, gives her 150% to every task, and takes up more than her share of tasks. A person who gives no regard to her health and peace of mind over her work and other responsibilities. Shreya didn't really have to elaborate much because I painted a picture of Neha right away. I have many Nehas around me so it really wasn't that difficult.

 Shreya said, "So, you can imagine how I must have felt when she said",

Yaar, matlab main kar sakti hu but mere se ab ho nahi payega

Yes, I could imagine. Neha wasn't giving up. She was letting go. Despite not knowing Neha personally, now I was feeling proud of Neha too. Shreya said that Neha had been balancing dual responsibilities at her house and work for a long time now. She had invested a lot on both ends with no regard to her health so it was really unfair when she was pressurized from both ends. And the pressure always increased during holiday seasons with everyone taking her for granted assuming she would be ok taking up the additional load of work instead of taking a break during the holiday. So, what she managed to do today almost sounded unreal.

Today, she had had enough so she negotiated responsibilities and tasks at both ends, with her team at the office and her family at home. Without compromising on anything that was important to her, Neha delegated and distributed her tasks among others clearly stating why she was doing this. Shreya laughed remembering what Neha had said. Neha had told her that when she was done, a few of her team members and family members were looking at her as if they were saying this is so unfair and Neha just responded, ya, welcome to my world.

I laughed out loud and wiped the tear that had slipped from my right eye. Wow. 

This never happens.

"I think your friend has created history today" 

"Hah, I agree"

"This calls for a celebration"

"Good thing I was already prepared", Shreya said handing me a glass of wine. 

"To small victories" 

"To letting go"

The world's in safe hands

 

(Paddy, Mokka, Tappy, Silva were huddled around the table, making some sort of to-do list, talking to each other in serious whispers. Paddy’s mother enters the room and looking at the scene, amused, she can’t help but ask-)

Mom - Hi everyone, what are you guys doing?

Paddy - We are doing an assignment for our class.

Mom - Okay? (prompting Paddy to continue)

Paddy - ? (Paddy just frowns at her)

Mom – What is the assignment about? Which class?

Paddy – Mommmm (Paddy whines). Can we do this later? We are really busy right now?

Mom - …… (standing there with a mom pose)

Paddy – ugh…alright. It’s for our class of ‘community organization and planning’.

Mom (mumbling) – Leaders of our country are failing at it and they expect the 12-year-olds to do community planning.

Paddy – what?

Mom – Nothing. So, tell me about this assignment.

Paddy – We have to find a problem in our society and find a solution.

Mom – Okay?

Paddy - ?

Mom – go on. Continue.

After staring at his mom for a few seconds, willing her to go away, Paddy sighs, seeing that she is not budging. He signals Mokka to start the narration. Mokka abruptly sits up straight, as if he is reciting it to a teacher, grabs the paper from the table and starts –

Mokka – The problem we often see in society is that the conditions around the world are bad. The problems in society are increasing continuously. People often say that the world is ending. But we have to understand why and I think we have found a loophole. God is supposed to protect the world, save the world but who is saving god. Our solution is a strategy to protect the god to save the world.

Mom - …..

Paddy – So? What do you think?

Mom – Wow. Did you show this to your teacher?

Paddy – Yes…(Paddy says with a pause)

(All kids look hesitant. Looking at each other. This topic definitely does not seem their favorite)

Mom – Well…what did they say?

Paddy – Umm she just kept saying uh-huh when we explained our topic. Then we asked whether we should go ahead with it, she said sure. Tappy said she was laughing at us but I think she was just smiling because she liked the topic. What about you? Do you like the topic?

Mom – Uh-huh. Sure.

Paddy – Great. See, I told you guys.

Tappy – Paddy, I think your mother is laughing at us.

(Mom putting on her best innocent expression)

Mom – Well, I just really liked it.

(A few moments of silence where the kids assess what mom is thinking)

Mom – (clearing throat) So, what solution are you proposing?

Paddy – Okay. Let me start from the beginning.

(This time he grabs the paper and sits up straight)

Paddy – So, as per the common knowledge and as per our close observations of the action movies, to protect the god, we need bodyguards with the god and security at god’s house.

(Paddy looks up at mom to see if she is following)

Mom – Uh-huh

Paddy – (Satisfied, he continues) So, we start with the house of the god. Based on the places all of us have visited so far, there are three types of houses of god. There are big houses like big temples, churches, gurudwaras, mosques, etc. where we will place a guard at all times and a security camera. Then there are community common houses where we will request people from the community to provide security in shifts so that it will be easy to manage.

Mom – Uh-huh

Paddy – Lastly, we have small houses of god in our homes. There also we assign a person within that family to protect the house of god.

Mom – That’s… that’s good. Very thorough.

Paddy – no, no. We are not done yet. Silva had a concern after this plan. (prompting Silva) Silva...

Silva – (sitting up straight) So, I thought that since god is protecting the world and since we have been facing a lot of problems recently, god must be on the field taking care of people.

(Silva looks at Paddy to make sure he is on the right track. Paddy confirming his thoughts takes over)

Paddy – so we need to have bodyguards near the god. But we can’t see the god, so we have to guess and also ask around. Because Corona is spread everywhere badly, god probably visits places that have the most ill people.

Mokka – Yes. And there are farmers protesting also.

Silva – Right, and Chennai was hit with a cyclone.

(Mom looks reverently at the kids excitedly adding to each other’s ideas)

Paddy – Yes, so we will also ask around for the issues to know the exact location of the god so that we can send help there.

(Tappy clears her throat)

Paddy – Yes, I remember Tappy. Tappy has a theory-

Tappy – It’s not a theory. It’s the truth.

Paddy – Okay. So, Tappy believes that –

Tappy – It’s not my belief. It’s the truth.

Paddy – Alright. Tappy suggested - (briefly glancing at Tappy anticipating an interruption but Tappy is sitting back, uptight, with her arms folded. Paddy continues) – that god lies where people are happy and healthy.

Mom – Uh-huh

Paddy – So, we are also planning a phase 2 (Tappy clears her throat once again. Paddy clears his throat louder) As we all decided, there will be a phase 2 of this project where we will ask around to see where the people think god lies because everyone has different ideas and then we will put in more effort and send more security at those locations to protect the god.

Mom – Great. You guys have really thought of everything, haven’t you?

Paddy – No, no. Wait. There is more. (Looks at Tappy)

(Tappy sits up straighter if it is even possible)

Tappy – We have observed that the problems will keep on coming. No matter what we do. Looking at the current situation, there is a possibility that the god is understaffed. So, we have to help the god. Because we can’t have the god distracted or overstressed because that’s even more dangerous. So, we are planning to set up a…ugh…

Silva – a council.

Tappy – Yes, that. We will get all the intelligent people who know about these issues the society is facing to understand the issues and come up with solutions so that there is less load on god. (Looking at Paddy) Are we done?

Paddy – (goes through the paper and double-checks) Yes, we are done.

(All kids turn to mom)

Mom – (stunned)…

Paddy – So? What do you think? Is it good?

Mom – Huh (smiling). Sure.

(Mumbling) Want to save the world? Trust the 12-year-olds to be better at it than the world leaders.

Paddy – what?

Mom – Nothing. I really liked it. You guys continue with the assignment. I will make something special for you guys. My treat.

(she goes to the kitchen, smiling)

(Paddy turns towards Tappy)

Paddy – Do you think she was laughing at us?

Tappy – No. I think she was actually smiling.

 

 

 

The dumping well

I live in a well, a dumping well, like the dumping grounds you have. And I can tell for a fact that I saw it coming. Let me start at the beginning. Our well was gigantic, with no definite ends. Well, we definitely knew it opens at the top. Because things used to fall from there. 

We never saw the top with our own eyes. But we knew it existed because we saw the things fall. Unused, broken, discolored, disfigured things. There were books, pages, letters, flowers, leaves, and whatnot. Along with flora, there was fauna. There were also beings, souls, tears, emotions, memories, and thoughts. We have seen it all, over the years, from the ugliest to the most beautiful journeys of the fallen.

There was a spiral passage inside the well to go up and down. Our houses were just behind the spiral passages along the walls. We had neighbors on both the sides. To go anywhere, we used to walk along the passage but we never walked the longer distances until it was absolutely necessary. If needed, we could spread the word through the houses. 

On a clear day, we had a distant blurred vision of the other side of the wall. But clear days were not always granted. There were cold eerie days as well, where we saw the most horrifying memories, beings, and thoughts go down. There were days when it burned, when the ashes and fumes fell down, taking their own sweet time, burning everything on the way. Sometimes it rained tears for days.

I can’t exactly pinpoint the day but the remote possibility of the “end” approaching came into existence when the chatters started, chatters about people migrating towards the top end. It quietened after a while and we almost forgot about it till we saw the passageway in front of our houses occupied one fine morning. 

It caused two types of reactions. To be honest, we didn’t mind these guests. We somewhere knew no one would voluntarily opt to live in the spherical passage outside our houses. But there were a few who didn’t appreciate this, as they called it, encroachment.

It stirred a conflict that we had never seen before in our society. The order was disturbed. Three basic needs – food, shelter, and happiness – everything was at stake. That state of life became our reality. The one that almost let us overlook how it started and what was coming.

The days passed by though. Until it was a clear day again and for the first time, we could see the “end”. The other end of the well. At first, not all of us saw it or believed it. It started as a rumor. But when the other clear days approached, we kept on seeing it, approaching, closing in on us. 

This time there was no doubt. But there were theories around that too. Some of us thought that it has always been there and we saw it for the first time. Irrespective of everything going on around me, I somewhere knew. I knew that it was bad news. The days passed. The end appeared to come closer each passing day. It became the latest and the only topic of discussion.

My house was not an exception. We discussed about what was happening, what the future held, and what should have been our plan of action. We discussed and disagreed. Then we discussed again and disagreed again. 

As the end approached, my parents thought that moving out would have been of no use. We would have had to walk large distances and live in the passage for an unforeseeable future. It would have brought a life of despair. A life, not worth living. I argued that saying no to change, waiting for an inevitable end to engulf us was nothing less than embracing death. The ultimate end.

As the end approached, we could not reach to a decision as a family. And as a society, it was nothing but chaos. That’s where I stand at the moment. That’s where this story started and to be honest, I don’t know where it ends. I wait, as each day passes by, hoping that one night would bring me courage. 

Courage to follow my instinct, my instinct to survive and search for remnant life that I think is worth pursuing. The next morning, I know my parents wouldn’t be surprised. They have accepted my departure even before it happens. They know, like me, that I would do it at night after they go to sleep. We all wait for the night and dread it at the same time.

The Talk

 

“Maa… Maaaa! I am making tea. Will you have some now or later?”

Maa sometimes shared a cup of tea with me in the late afternoon. I shouted this question while already holding a vessel under the tap. There was no response. The vessel was filling fast. 

"Maaa"

"..."

"Maaaaa"

"..."

"Mummyyyy"

"..."

I reluctantly shut the tap and left the vessel on the countertop to see what my mother was doing. It was unlike of her to sleep at this hour and especially such a deep sleep which didn't get disturbed with my first call.

I went to look for her and checked the washroom first. Perhaps, she was not able to answer because she was inside. She didn't like answering her name calls while she was in the washroom. Apparently, the ‘whole building’ need not know that she was in the washroom!

Not finding her in the washroom, with peaked interest, I went to her room and there she was!. In a corner, with her back towards me. She had apparently borrowed my headphones and was watching something on her phone. And if I wasn't wrong, she was silently crying.

Urghhh... Not again!

"Maaa", this time I said it loudly and firmly, in my 'mom' voice. Startled, she jumped in her place and quickly turned around. Once she realized it was just me, she started fumbling with the phone and headphones.

"You are watching Baghban again, aren't you", I asked rhetorically.

"Ummm"

"Maa, just how many times are you going to watch that movie? I am sure you have already watched it at least 25 times. And how can you cry every time you watch it. Ohh, let me guess. Someone's children moved away again?"

Maa just nodded with her head down wiping her tears. Maybe those were lingering Baghban tears but looking at her like that, I immediately felt bad for practically scolding her.

"OK. If you are feeling sad, how about we just talk about it?"

"Alright"

"So, Maa tell me. What happened?"

"Look… I am not exactly sad. It's just that... Reema and Naren weren't ready for this. They asked their son to stay here but there was a great opportunity in the US and he was getting a promotion so it became very complicated…

Reema was continuously crying when I visited them."

"But their daughter is still here right? In the same city? Just half an hour away, I guess?"

"But she is married. They can't rely on her."

One look at my face made her rephrase that.

"Not my words. They said they can't rely."

"And why Baghban?"

"Because! Look, I know it's a film. It is supposed to be fiction and not real. But then something like this happens…"

"Are you worried that...you know...this can happen in our family?"

"No I am not”, her response came quickly but then she lingered, “But you never know… Reema and Naren did not see it coming either and I don't want to say it but Amitabh and Hema also..." 

"Maaaa..."

"Alright. Alright. Let it be."

"No, it's ok. Let's talk about Baghban. If we are comparing, let’s do it properly. If we are looking at children, let’s compare the parents also. Achha, tell me this, how many times have you actually waited for Papa at the door with freshly made tea and snacks; let alone every day? Yes, you are a homemaker but you have passionately continued your job and maintained your hobbies at the same time. Let’s not forget that. Of course, you may have compensated with your own health for that at times and we might have something to do with that. But let's leave that discussion for another day. My point is that I have also seen days when you used to come home late and Papa made tea. And the times when he cooked. He handled everything without any qualms when you had to go out of town for work. It’s something that I don’t find relatable at all with Baghban."

"Pch… See, I know that but…"

"Ok then let’s look at the children moving away since we were just talking about it. Remember how you took a strict stance when I got an opportunity to go abroad for 2 years? I was not so sure but you convinced me that I should take up the challenge. And if you are worried that you will be left all alone with nothing to do after your children 'fly away', that's not going to happen. Let’s face it. Both you and Papa are retired yet you are busier than your children. You are so engaged in other activities that you hardly spend quiet days at home."

"OK, OK. Alright. I understand that. What I don’t understand is why you are so worked up about Baghban?"

"Because Maa...”, I sighed. The initial high of adrenaline slowly left my body and my shoulders must have visibly dropped because I could immediately feel Maa’s hand on my shoulder. I continued,

“It’s not only hard on parents. It’s difficult for children too. I see my friends and colleagues struggle with it like you do. And the movie tells & glorifies only one side of the story. It sort of gives validation to parents like Reema aunty and Naren uncle who feel abandoned when the children move away."

"Are you saying that parents shouldn’t feel abandoned when their children leave? Children actually do abandon their old parents, you know? I agree it is a film and they may have not portrayed it correctly, but that story is not that far from the painful reality that surrounds us where children just leave their old parents on the street."

“I agree. But it depends on every family, every situation Maa. I am not saying children don’t abandon their parents but there is a difference between abandoning and moving away. And in today's times, the world's getting closer and children are moving away to grab the opportunities offered to them. No one is at fault here. What a family can do is discuss and decide together how they want to plan it out. Every member is accountable for the wellbeing of their family. But I don't get these selfless responsibilities. Be it responsibilities of parents towards their young kids or kids towards their old parents."

"Fair enough. But you know it's easy to say; it's much more difficult to actually do it. We learn these things while growing up, about how responsibilities work in a family. Every family member has a role to play. How many families actually sit together and discuss future plans, finances, or even feelings?"

"I know Maaa. It's not easy but it's not right either."

With that, my mother let out a loud sigh.

"Don't worry. It will happen. Some day. With more conversations about Baghban", she teased me while squeezing me with her arms around my slumped shoulders.

I snorted before continuing,

"Ya I guess. So, will you have tea now or later?"

"Later I guess. Let me finish the movie first."

"What?? Maa? We just discussed- "

"The movie is quite dramatic and let's face it, funny also at times. After that visit to Reema’s house and this heavy conversation, what I need is entertainment."

"Hah. Ok, I'll go have tea then and maybe join you for the funny parts.”

 

-------

 

The God Complex

 

This article is neither about the god nor about the literal meaning of the god complex. The god complex that I want to talk about today can be understood through the concept of the pedestal (the base or support on which a statue, obelisk, or column is mounted, as per Oxford Languages) on which the god is kept. 

Pedestal

What I have observed so far about the relationship between the god and a devotee is that it consists of majorly two components – offering your faith and seeking power or strength from the god or from the faith that you offer to god. You can offer your faith or seek strength in whatever shape or form, of course.

One cannot deny the power dynamic there. Two distinct levels where the god always stands tall. And funnily, even though the question often arises - whether the god exists, nobody, for a second, questions the existence of the pedestal on which the god exists.

This pedestal is built with our faith and expectations. And you know what I am talking about when I say faith and expectations. Just imagine any prayer place in the nearby community or even the prayer place at your house. How you communicate with the god, builds that pedestal. You know how we say keep doing your job, don’t work for rewards. Don’t expect anything in return. Well, but that is not really said a lot in the context of prayers or worshipping the god, is it? We always expect something in return or at least ask for it. It is never a trade in our mind, never a bargain. It’s a request. With full faith that it will be fulfilled.

Pedestal comes to life

The concept of this pedestal can be applied in our daily interactions as well. Only in our regular life situations, the god is manifested in the form of a person. It’s when we put a person on that pedestal and offer our faith that this person will help us or solve our problems. It could be anyone – our parents, our friends, our siblings, simply anyone. We start taking this person for granted without their or even our knowledge and thus, begins the god complex. 

It creates a power dynamic in the relationship that generally materializes in the form of one-person responsibility and accountability to alleviate issues, to solve problems, to help, or to just be there without any expectations. Unconditionally. And that is a lot of responsibility for one person. The person who is very graciously put on the pedestal as the ‘god’.

Just to give you an example, we all have that one friend who always listens to our problems and guides us, maybe a mentor or a parent with whom you always discuss your issues, or imagine a family member who is caregiving for another family member. Of course, in all these scenarios, the god complex isn’t necessarily manifested. But all these relationships are prone to it.

The give and take

The ill-effects of the god complex might generally go unnoticed if it’s born in a short-term relationship or if a ‘god’ in one relationship has a ‘god’ in some other relationship to communicate or transfer their worries to. However, imagine the toxicity that a person might feel through the pedestal of expectations if the god complex is manifested in a long-term or a lifelong relationship, or if someone’s ‘god’ doesn’t have a ‘god’ in their own life (in such cases, people often explore spirituality or approach the god to draw their strength from there since physical support around them is not enough).

There is no easy way to break the vicious cycle of the god complex once you are stuck in it. Of course, a good place to start would be examining and re-examining the relationships around you. Meticulously looking at the give and take in the relationships. I said re-examining because it’s difficult to identify the god complex in a relationship at the first glance. Because we live in denial. I wouldn’t want to accept that I am relying on someone unconditionally and not offering much in return except my belief that they are great and they will help me. I also wouldn’t want to accept that the unconditional support that I am offering to someone might be toxic and may have an adverse effect on me because it is my job, an obligation, or a social convention to provide the care, support, patience, energy, or time to someone.

The seeker

As the ‘seeker’ (let’s call it that) in the god complex dynamic, after evaluating the give & take it would help if we offer our support or just simply remind the other person (and ourselves) that we are there for them if they need anything. There are a lot of things one can do to destroy the pedestal brick by brick to make both parties ‘equals’ (of course not in terms of tangible things such as knowledge or experience or the social role but in terms of responsibility and accountability) in a relationship. In the spirit of equality, probably a great way to start would be a conversation where we acknowledge that we couldn’t be there for the other person as much as we wanted to be but we wish to correct that. And then hopefully, the conversation will only grow.

I understand that you are going through something difficult and there are not enough support systems around. And that’s probably why you have to rely on your ‘god’ for certain aspects. And that’s ok. Trying to find support to survive, to deal with your troubles is more than ok. But it’s also important to build more sustainable modes of support. Because the situations will get better and then might get worse later. Difficult periods in life don’t come with warnings or have specific reasons behind them. It’s always better if we have plans B, C, D, and so on in place to accommodate the negative emotions that flood in unprompted.

It wouldn’t hurt to just re-examine other relationships, other aspects of your life to understand if there is any imbalance there, if you are a ‘god’ in some other relationship which adds to your stress.

The god

For the ‘god’ in the god complex dynamic, after examining the give & take, more re-evaluation is required, I am afraid. Re-evaluation of self. Where are you in your priority list? And while you simply cannot change anything about your priorities at the moment (that is generally the immediate response to the re-evaluation of priorities), find a way to do something for a few minutes every day that doesn’t involve anyone but you. If the god complex has taken over certain space in your life (your office, your house, your college, your bedroom), find a way to step out of that space for a few minutes of self-indulgence or indulging into something sustainable that engages you. You may start with 5 minutes and work on increasing that time. A five-minute break to lock yourself into a room to sing or dance, a five-minute break to water the plants, a five-minute coffee break on the terrace, an hour dedicated to exercise or a walk, a part-time job for a few hours outside the house, a few minutes dedicated to reading a few pages of a book every day, converting a hobby into a work opportunity, getting a new hobby, anything, and everything. You will be surprised by the number of impossible possibilities that become possible once you move yourself up on your priority list.

Once you sort out your priority list, you also need to start working on taking down that pedestal one brick at a time. Learning to say no, finding more sustainable ways to provide support would be a start. Most importantly, asking for help. I think that will be the biggest crack in your pedestal.

Be mindful

Of course, these are the solutions to work it out on your level. Another way would be to seek counseling services. This is for the ‘seeker’ as well as the ‘god’. I am sure you will find plenty of solutions to your concerns there or anywhere actually if you look for them.

What we can also do is look out for signs so that we don’t build another relationship based on the god complex. Of course, that does not work if you are born into one. For example, parents. Mothers specifically, if we add the unconditional obligations that come from being a woman to the mix.

Before I stop, I just want to say - imagine that you and your ‘god’ are equal (again, not in terms of tangible things such as knowledge or experience but in terms of responsibility and accountability) and you actually end up helping the god or even relieving some load off them and the god thanks you. The god thanks you! That is so cool! At least in my opinion, the gratefulness of god is way cooler than their support.

------

A Marathi Article by Dr. Anjali Joshi which talks about this concept- https://www.loksatta.com/chaturang-news/stress-of-understanding-other-person-psycorscope-dd70-2226917/

 

A few starting points for more sustainable support -

TISS - http://icallhelpline.org/

NIMHANS - https://nimhans.ac.in/pssmhs-helpline/

Vandrevala Foundation - https://www.vandrevalafoundation.com/

Mpower Minds - https://mpowerminds.com/oneonone

Ministry of Social Justice & Empowerment - https://fit.thequint.com/mind-it/indias-first-national-mental-health-helpline-kiran-is-launched

https://www.7cups.com/

The End

I am standing in the middle of the street in water. Not a puddle of water. Seemingly unending spread of water covering the land as far as I can see. It is moving. It is rising. I don't know where it came from. I don't think it was there a moment ago. Or was it? I can't be sure. Everything looks grim and gray. Not the black and white gray but gray of uncertainty and chaos. 

Everything is out of order. People are running in all directions. Seemingly trying to save themselves. And I wonder if this is how the end looks like. 

It is barely drizzling now but every droplet comes with a promise. It comes even if it knows it isn't welcome. There is already plenty of it; on our streets, in our homes, in our eyes. There is nothing we call ours that could welcome these droplets. Yet the droplets come with an unwelcome insistence to take over and I feel numb all over.

I know I have to join the chaos around me soon. I will have to run in some direction to get somewhere where I will feel safer. Who knows if safer even exists. But I will have to run soon to find the safer ground. 

Because even though it is clear that there is no hope, accepting that would be giving up. Giving up would be letting go of everything that is mine. Perhaps that's how the end looks like. 

I must move. I must run. At least when I know where I should go or when I stop feeling numb long enough to be able to move, or when I am able to talk, shout, cry, think, breathe. Any moment now. I must move. 

If I see someone I know, maybe they will help. But I don't know if I can talk to them, ask them for help, tell them where I need to go. 

Maybe it's better if nobody sees me. I don't want to talk to anyone and tell them what I can't explain. If I don't move long enough, probably no one will notice me standing here. If I don't move long enough, I can kiss the droplets, hug the water, and then there wouldn't be anything to be noticed. Maybe that's how the end looks like.

Based on Robert Frost's 'the road not taken'

I am going to an unknown destination 

I am not sure I will know when I have arrived

I walk with a firm belief 

that this journey is all I have

This journey is all I wanted

This journey is all I will get

I may scream and cry

Or my feet may get tired

But the road won't give up

And I won't leave the road I passionately desired

I don't know how long the walk will last

Nobody in sight to inquire 

But the walk is mine, so is the struggle

And I will create a place of mine before I retire

I look ahead, I look back

Sipping on my ginger tea

The quiet of now, the chaos I crossed

And the anticipation ahead sets me free

I learn I tumble I fall I create

And no joy surpasses that

I am walking but the pace gets slower

I urge to make this last

I don't know if this is where I stop

If I was the first one to arrive

But a truck full of happy, young kids just passed

Nodding at me

And the flame continues to thrive

------

Attended Rupikaur's poetry workshop recently. It was refreshing and helpful. I never take pride in my poetry writing skills but I enjoyed it so much that I am sharing one of the poems here. She asked questions and prompted words (highlighted in Bold) that we can include in our poems. She also gave a background theme and a few words to begin the poem. So, it is particularly useful for writers who are feeling stuck or just want a break to explore their thoughts and shake up their imagination a bit.

Also, I wanted to start doing sketches to accompany some of my writings. Again, I never take pride in my sketching skills, but this may have been just the push that I needed.

Attachments area

Overlooked Series [Part 5]

 

Glass half overlooked

Link to Part 1 - https://glasshalfuntouched.blogspot.com/2020/08/overlooked-series-parts-0-1.html

Link to Part 2 & 3 - https://glasshalfuntouched.blogspot.com/2020/09/overlooked-series-parts-2-3.html

Link to Part 4 - https://glasshalfuntouched.blogspot.com/2020/09/overlooked-series-part-4.html

5. Let go

(December 2017)

Today was the day. There was nothing particularly special about the day. It started out like any other day except maybe she woke up a little bit happier and lighter. She could not think of any particular reason behind it. Maybe she was just tired of the haunting shadows, maybe she had consumed an extra pill of courage last night, maybe she just wanted to end this year unapologetically, or maybe a combination of all of the above. Who cares about the reason! What mattered was that she had a good feeling about today.

Almost 19 months had passed since Charu had suggested that they become friends. It was a process. It was a journey. Towards building friendship and finding acceptance. She had enjoyed every moment of it. And while she had been ready for a few weeks now, she knew today was the day! 

 

She emptied a whole bottle of cold water on her head. But that wasn't enough. No bottle could take away all those years of pure frustration. She had already decided that she won't drink today. Her freedom was going to be her high. But first, she had to release the rising heat inside her head.

She opened the tap to let cold water cool her down. She could feel all the pent-up heat of frustration, anxiety, and extra giddiness trickling down her body only to be followed by cold water, soothing her further. Her clothes were wet but she didn't care. It was time to change them anyway. Today she didn't care about anything. One, bullied by their own fate, becomes fearless.

Life can't get messier than this. Now onwards, it only gets happier. She smiled in her thoughts. Today, she was just going to dress up and get out of this cage. She would wander aimlessly because today she didn't care where she would end up. 

She closed the tap and stood in front of a mirror near the dressing table. Today, she was going to take her own sweet time to get ready because every moment of this freedom was precious. She looked down at her hand and toyed with her wedding ring. A band of burning suffocation that had turned out to be a promise of love, companionship, and trust. She had never thought after the divorce they would ever meet again. And today, they were not just friends but an inspiration for one another. She just stood there for a brief moment fondly remembering the past few months where her 'wife' had convinced her that she deserved to taste this freedom and enjoy it. 

 

She sighed and opened her cupboard to find a perfect dress for tonight. She didn't have to search for long. While taking out a beautiful black dress, she remembered how her friends ‘teased’ her asking what was she planning to do with the dress. Can’t a girl buy such beauty for herself? She was glad that period in her life almost sounded like it was ages ago. She really had come so far. She remembered she had told her friends that the dress was for a 'special occasion'. Tonight, was that occasion. 

Next, she went to the accessories section. She decided to wear something decent and simple. Beauty always lies in simplicity. She took out a pair of shoes matching her dress. The pair was as breathtaking as her dress.

After some finishing touches and one last look in the mirror, she was all ready to go. She took her wallet and keys, leaving her phone behind knowingly. While going, she couldn't help but glance at her parents’ room. These days, they mostly preferred to stay in their room. Her freedom was their curse. She looked there but she didn't stop. Not tonight.

She was about to get out when she remembered. Oh shit. How could she forget! She immediately went back to her room and took out her most prized possession from the safe. She had waited so long for this. With a slow and steady stroke of bright red matte lipstick, she took off...

 

In a simple knee-length, black dress with matching stilettos and diamond earrings, her face beaming with happiness, she took off...as the dazzling beauty she always was...

 

-×-

 

It isn't about "becoming" another person - I already am who I am - I just want my body to reflect that. It's not like I am suddenly changing from the person you have always known - this is more about the willingness to see who I've always been.

 

-Cooper Lee Bombardior

 

 

Overlooked Series [Part 4]

 

Glass half overlooked

Link to Part 1 - https://glasshalfuntouched.blogspot.com/2020/08/overlooked-series-parts-0-1.html

Link to Part 2 & 3 - https://glasshalfuntouched.blogspot.com/2020/09/overlooked-series-parts-2-3.html

4. They meet

(May 2016)

Charu rushed to get to the office. Why is the train so late today? Bus…bus is late!! I am standing near the bus stop. What is wrong with me today? She glanced at her watch again and again, without actually seeing the time, thinking about what she will do once she reaches Seva Sadan. What is the time? She finally glanced at her watch to actually register the time. She smiled to herself thinking she will go mad one day juggling all these chores. But whom was she kidding? Though she was flustered, she definitely wasn't frustrated with it. Instead, she was ecstatic. All she ever wanted was to be self-reliant and encourage others to do the same. Now, she had it all. Her simple yet not so simple life was bliss. She was working hard, making money on her own, supporting her parents, and above all, helping marginalized and vulnerable women. Being independent and helping silently suffering women was all she wanted after…

Honking of horn brought her out of her thoughts. She saw her bus approaching the bus-stop.

She scanned through the seats in the ladies’ section, there was only one seat free besides a guy. He was sitting there while 3 seats in the general section were unoccupied. He was looking out the window, dressed in a white shirt, hair disheveled. Could it be him? Nah... As soon as it came, that thought passed away like a touch of a butterfly, without leaving a trace. It didn't bother her. Huh… That thought definitely left a trace of a smile on her face.

Buying her ticket, she went towards the seat in the ladies’ section. The guy in the window shifted slightly, to give her space. Their eyes met for a nanosecond. They immediately looked in the opposite direction and tried to relax their widened eyes a bit.  How? After how many days? three months maybe... She composed herself and looked straight with a blank expression. She was not sure how she should handle it. He was busy pretending to look out the window. Four long minutes passed before…

“Are… are you happy? I mean… are you happy in your life??”, he stuttered.

She just observed him. He looked tired, confused, and, most definitely, guilty. He was expectantly looking into her eyes. The corner of his left eye glistened with a held-up tear. He immediately turned away not being able to hold eye contact. He feared her blank eyes would soon reflect accusations. She knew how he had interpreted her silence. But she needed some time to contemplate what she just saw.

After a while, “I am happy”, she said with a faint assuring smile.

The held-up tears made their way out of his eyes. He didn't look convinced at first. But then a wave of satisfaction hit him. He gave a weak but content smile. His smile told her, he was smiling after a long time. 

Then it hit her. While she had been working with vulnerable women, encouraging and enabling them to fight for justice and their rights, the “she” in him had been fighting for her existence. Now that she could understand him for the first time, she couldn't help but feel guilty. She had unknowingly become his gift-wrapped suffering. In the quest of finding justice for herself, he had automatically turned into a culprit in her story. The saddest part was that he believed her version of his story and he was the culprit in his own eyes.

That's it! She had to help him. She had to help her.

She was lost in her thoughts when she heard a small ‘thank u’. Clearing the cloud of thoughts, she looked at him. He said, “don't feel guilty”. He had read her eyes. He continued, “I was suffocating for years. Somehow this fight for acceptance is much easier than years of suffocation even though I don’t see an end to the fight in near future”.

“Whose acceptance”, she asked.

“My parents’ to begin with”, he said in ' it's so obvious' tone.

“What about you”, she probed further.

“Me? I have accepted myself long back. That's how it all started, didn't it? Or ended, however you want to phrase it” He was trying to speculate where she was going with this.

She smiled.

“We have a lot to work on. We start this Sunday. But first, we must become friends. We can't let our past affect us now onwards. We will meet on Sunday, at 9.00am at...Umm...this bus stop, OK?”, without waiting for his reply, she hurried to get down. 

He realized his hand was still in the air when he had lifted it to stop her. Keeping it on his lap, he again turned to look out the window with a faint smile, not before mentally noting down the name of the bus stop.

-×-

For me, it was never a question of whether I was transgender. It was a question of whether I'd be able to handle transitioning and having to do it in the public eye. One of the issues that was hard for me to overcome was the fear of that. 

- Chaz Bono

Unsaid words

 

×××××××××@××××.com

[Draft 68]

 

Dear Amma,

 

This letter won’t reach you like most of the others, but I wanted to talk to you. Although I do talk to you regularly, I know you will deny it because most of the times it doesn’t reach you. It’s always easier to reach out through these unsaid words. I can share so many things that I can't say out loud.

 

Hopefully, this is one of my last letters. I can’t continue like this, Amma. I am so tired.

 

I am tired of dreading to wake up every morning. I am tired of crying at the thought of getting out of bed. Going to the office every day should not be this hard. At least, it wasn’t before.

I am tired of hiding my tears so that my colleagues won’t see them. It’s becoming overwhelming day-by-day to spend time with my colleagues and friends knowing that I will have to pretend to be okay in front of them.

 

I am running out of excuses as to why I can't join my colleagues for lunch or in their plans to hang out after work and I am sure they are tired of asking me by now. Soon, they will realize it’s not worth their time and stop asking me. It’s just so overwhelming. I can't seem to be able to be in touch with my old friends, either. All I feel is either stuck or numb.

 

Everyone around me is planning their future and working towards it. But for me, it's a struggle to even get through the day. I barely manage to do what is expected of me and that's not enough here. If things don’t change, I will be stuck in one place in my career too.

 

It feels like every time I try to pick myself up, something or the other is waiting around the corner to knock me down. I don't remember the last time I laughed spontaneously. I feel better when I call Appa and you, but not being able to tell you how I am feeling is so frustrating that I cry after every call.

 

I am tired of this life now, Amma. I am tired of my body and mind being tired all the time. I want to change this.

 

I am going to call you one of these days, Amma, I promise and maybe, try to say 2% of what I am feeling. Hoping you hear me and perhaps, understand that there is still a lot more that is unsaid. I know it won’t be as easy as having this one-way chat with you but at the same time, maybe it will be more fulfilling? I can only hope so and I will. Because I have already thought of a hundred different ways it can go wrong and I will probably think of a hundred more before I actually talk to you. It feels like that’s all I do these days.

 

I know things won’t change overnight but I want to at least try before giving up completely. I know you would want me to. I have taken contact of a counsellor from our office counsellor. It was her who suggested it when I couldn’t open up to her. She said I might be more comfortable outside the office space where I won’t have to worry about my colleagues finding about it. I promise I will contact the counsellor when I am ready or when I am tired enough.

 

Love,