Unsaid words

 

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[Draft 68]

 

Dear Amma,

 

This letter won’t reach you like most of the others, but I wanted to talk to you. Although I do talk to you regularly, I know you will deny it because most of the times it doesn’t reach you. It’s always easier to reach out through these unsaid words. I can share so many things that I can't say out loud.

 

Hopefully, this is one of my last letters. I can’t continue like this, Amma. I am so tired.

 

I am tired of dreading to wake up every morning. I am tired of crying at the thought of getting out of bed. Going to the office every day should not be this hard. At least, it wasn’t before.

I am tired of hiding my tears so that my colleagues won’t see them. It’s becoming overwhelming day-by-day to spend time with my colleagues and friends knowing that I will have to pretend to be okay in front of them.

 

I am running out of excuses as to why I can't join my colleagues for lunch or in their plans to hang out after work and I am sure they are tired of asking me by now. Soon, they will realize it’s not worth their time and stop asking me. It’s just so overwhelming. I can't seem to be able to be in touch with my old friends, either. All I feel is either stuck or numb.

 

Everyone around me is planning their future and working towards it. But for me, it's a struggle to even get through the day. I barely manage to do what is expected of me and that's not enough here. If things don’t change, I will be stuck in one place in my career too.

 

It feels like every time I try to pick myself up, something or the other is waiting around the corner to knock me down. I don't remember the last time I laughed spontaneously. I feel better when I call Appa and you, but not being able to tell you how I am feeling is so frustrating that I cry after every call.

 

I am tired of this life now, Amma. I am tired of my body and mind being tired all the time. I want to change this.

 

I am going to call you one of these days, Amma, I promise and maybe, try to say 2% of what I am feeling. Hoping you hear me and perhaps, understand that there is still a lot more that is unsaid. I know it won’t be as easy as having this one-way chat with you but at the same time, maybe it will be more fulfilling? I can only hope so and I will. Because I have already thought of a hundred different ways it can go wrong and I will probably think of a hundred more before I actually talk to you. It feels like that’s all I do these days.

 

I know things won’t change overnight but I want to at least try before giving up completely. I know you would want me to. I have taken contact of a counsellor from our office counsellor. It was her who suggested it when I couldn’t open up to her. She said I might be more comfortable outside the office space where I won’t have to worry about my colleagues finding about it. I promise I will contact the counsellor when I am ready or when I am tired enough.

 

Love,