The God Complex

 

This article is neither about the god nor about the literal meaning of the god complex. The god complex that I want to talk about today can be understood through the concept of the pedestal (the base or support on which a statue, obelisk, or column is mounted, as per Oxford Languages) on which the god is kept. 

Pedestal

What I have observed so far about the relationship between the god and a devotee is that it consists of majorly two components – offering your faith and seeking power or strength from the god or from the faith that you offer to god. You can offer your faith or seek strength in whatever shape or form, of course.

One cannot deny the power dynamic there. Two distinct levels where the god always stands tall. And funnily, even though the question often arises - whether the god exists, nobody, for a second, questions the existence of the pedestal on which the god exists.

This pedestal is built with our faith and expectations. And you know what I am talking about when I say faith and expectations. Just imagine any prayer place in the nearby community or even the prayer place at your house. How you communicate with the god, builds that pedestal. You know how we say keep doing your job, don’t work for rewards. Don’t expect anything in return. Well, but that is not really said a lot in the context of prayers or worshipping the god, is it? We always expect something in return or at least ask for it. It is never a trade in our mind, never a bargain. It’s a request. With full faith that it will be fulfilled.

Pedestal comes to life

The concept of this pedestal can be applied in our daily interactions as well. Only in our regular life situations, the god is manifested in the form of a person. It’s when we put a person on that pedestal and offer our faith that this person will help us or solve our problems. It could be anyone – our parents, our friends, our siblings, simply anyone. We start taking this person for granted without their or even our knowledge and thus, begins the god complex. 

It creates a power dynamic in the relationship that generally materializes in the form of one-person responsibility and accountability to alleviate issues, to solve problems, to help, or to just be there without any expectations. Unconditionally. And that is a lot of responsibility for one person. The person who is very graciously put on the pedestal as the ‘god’.

Just to give you an example, we all have that one friend who always listens to our problems and guides us, maybe a mentor or a parent with whom you always discuss your issues, or imagine a family member who is caregiving for another family member. Of course, in all these scenarios, the god complex isn’t necessarily manifested. But all these relationships are prone to it.

The give and take

The ill-effects of the god complex might generally go unnoticed if it’s born in a short-term relationship or if a ‘god’ in one relationship has a ‘god’ in some other relationship to communicate or transfer their worries to. However, imagine the toxicity that a person might feel through the pedestal of expectations if the god complex is manifested in a long-term or a lifelong relationship, or if someone’s ‘god’ doesn’t have a ‘god’ in their own life (in such cases, people often explore spirituality or approach the god to draw their strength from there since physical support around them is not enough).

There is no easy way to break the vicious cycle of the god complex once you are stuck in it. Of course, a good place to start would be examining and re-examining the relationships around you. Meticulously looking at the give and take in the relationships. I said re-examining because it’s difficult to identify the god complex in a relationship at the first glance. Because we live in denial. I wouldn’t want to accept that I am relying on someone unconditionally and not offering much in return except my belief that they are great and they will help me. I also wouldn’t want to accept that the unconditional support that I am offering to someone might be toxic and may have an adverse effect on me because it is my job, an obligation, or a social convention to provide the care, support, patience, energy, or time to someone.

The seeker

As the ‘seeker’ (let’s call it that) in the god complex dynamic, after evaluating the give & take it would help if we offer our support or just simply remind the other person (and ourselves) that we are there for them if they need anything. There are a lot of things one can do to destroy the pedestal brick by brick to make both parties ‘equals’ (of course not in terms of tangible things such as knowledge or experience or the social role but in terms of responsibility and accountability) in a relationship. In the spirit of equality, probably a great way to start would be a conversation where we acknowledge that we couldn’t be there for the other person as much as we wanted to be but we wish to correct that. And then hopefully, the conversation will only grow.

I understand that you are going through something difficult and there are not enough support systems around. And that’s probably why you have to rely on your ‘god’ for certain aspects. And that’s ok. Trying to find support to survive, to deal with your troubles is more than ok. But it’s also important to build more sustainable modes of support. Because the situations will get better and then might get worse later. Difficult periods in life don’t come with warnings or have specific reasons behind them. It’s always better if we have plans B, C, D, and so on in place to accommodate the negative emotions that flood in unprompted.

It wouldn’t hurt to just re-examine other relationships, other aspects of your life to understand if there is any imbalance there, if you are a ‘god’ in some other relationship which adds to your stress.

The god

For the ‘god’ in the god complex dynamic, after examining the give & take, more re-evaluation is required, I am afraid. Re-evaluation of self. Where are you in your priority list? And while you simply cannot change anything about your priorities at the moment (that is generally the immediate response to the re-evaluation of priorities), find a way to do something for a few minutes every day that doesn’t involve anyone but you. If the god complex has taken over certain space in your life (your office, your house, your college, your bedroom), find a way to step out of that space for a few minutes of self-indulgence or indulging into something sustainable that engages you. You may start with 5 minutes and work on increasing that time. A five-minute break to lock yourself into a room to sing or dance, a five-minute break to water the plants, a five-minute coffee break on the terrace, an hour dedicated to exercise or a walk, a part-time job for a few hours outside the house, a few minutes dedicated to reading a few pages of a book every day, converting a hobby into a work opportunity, getting a new hobby, anything, and everything. You will be surprised by the number of impossible possibilities that become possible once you move yourself up on your priority list.

Once you sort out your priority list, you also need to start working on taking down that pedestal one brick at a time. Learning to say no, finding more sustainable ways to provide support would be a start. Most importantly, asking for help. I think that will be the biggest crack in your pedestal.

Be mindful

Of course, these are the solutions to work it out on your level. Another way would be to seek counseling services. This is for the ‘seeker’ as well as the ‘god’. I am sure you will find plenty of solutions to your concerns there or anywhere actually if you look for them.

What we can also do is look out for signs so that we don’t build another relationship based on the god complex. Of course, that does not work if you are born into one. For example, parents. Mothers specifically, if we add the unconditional obligations that come from being a woman to the mix.

Before I stop, I just want to say - imagine that you and your ‘god’ are equal (again, not in terms of tangible things such as knowledge or experience but in terms of responsibility and accountability) and you actually end up helping the god or even relieving some load off them and the god thanks you. The god thanks you! That is so cool! At least in my opinion, the gratefulness of god is way cooler than their support.

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A Marathi Article by Dr. Anjali Joshi which talks about this concept- https://www.loksatta.com/chaturang-news/stress-of-understanding-other-person-psycorscope-dd70-2226917/

 

A few starting points for more sustainable support -

TISS - http://icallhelpline.org/

NIMHANS - https://nimhans.ac.in/pssmhs-helpline/

Vandrevala Foundation - https://www.vandrevalafoundation.com/

Mpower Minds - https://mpowerminds.com/oneonone

Ministry of Social Justice & Empowerment - https://fit.thequint.com/mind-it/indias-first-national-mental-health-helpline-kiran-is-launched

https://www.7cups.com/